A. K. U.

I slept real late last night, like midnight??? The train was awfully late that I had to wait for more than an hour for it. However, I think I had some emotions mix-up yesterday, so the dream was a bit mixed too.

I remember the beginning vaguely , but things started to get funny toward the ending.
So as you know, I was rejected from an organization in my faculty, and I was in this kind of bedroom with a friend of mine who I can't even remember the name and the face. The room has sort of two connecting doors that connect the room with two other opposite rooms, and the main door was a bit open.

So I was printing a compilation of CV and things like that for preparation to try joining that organization again next year (ambitious, I know), I was compiling the print-outs a bit secretively, afraid if someone might come in (that friend of mine was just lying on the bed) because I'm still in an organization of my department. Suddenly this senior of mine who was in this faculty organization entered the room from the main door but stopped at the doorway when he saw me and things got a bit awkward. And things went like

Me: Ahahahaha kak
Him: Ngapain lo ahahaahaha
Me: Nggak......

Luckily, he just went past me to the other room through the connecting door. I lied on the bed to wait for the printer to be done printing my shit, felt it was quite a while, then I went back to the printer on the desk to organize the papers, but suddenly, another senior, this time from the department organization entered the room through the other connecting door, I quickly hid the papers with my arms on the desk.

Him: Ngapain Dhay?
Me: Hah ngga, gak ngapa-ngapain hehe lagi liat-liat aja
Him: Ooh

And he went back to the room. Then I rushed to hide the papers under the bed. I was still in the process of doing it when I saw my first senior back on the main door. We caught each other's eyes. I was so done, feeling pretty caught up. But he laughed first.

Him: Hahahahahahahaa
Me: *walked to his direction* Aahh hahahaahah kak kenapa sih selalu dateng pas saya lagi gini haaa
Him: *crouching the floor* *laughing*
Me: *joined him* *laughing*

Then I woke up.

Sounds pretty unimportant but please note that the senior from my faculty organization is pretty much admired by many, many people and I don't really know him, we said hi to each other, but we just talked once. That's why this shit is funny like wtf is going in my head y so random. Not gonna forget this for a long time.


Update 9/9/16: I forgot about this.

I don't doubt when people see and read my url for this blog, they will say:

"what the hell?"

Well, I sometimes do, but considering the reason I'm staying with this thing, it's not quite shitty anymore.

The name first appeared on a fanbase mailing list questionnaire, for which the question was "What's your name in Harry Potter world?". My 12-year-old self, who was a huge fan of Emma Watson, could only think of Emma's middle name and her character's last name.

Very creative, no?

I want to preserve the good memory of the good moments in my former years, that I can assure you, there are not so many of them. So I'm staying with this, and write all the things necessary, and making this a virtue of mine.


This is my Pensieve.

I am the awkward kind of person when it comes to any sensitive topic.
So I avoid them.

But I learned that it's inevitable
But talking to people is out of the window, at least for me
So I wrote...
and posted them here

Notice the past tense?
I think I read too many reddit posts where stalkers and creeps came from online sites
So I decided I won't be writing as deep as I used to
Nobody would care, but I do.




p.s. I hope I won't get a message saying "I do" because that will creep the fuck out of me.

I never realized until now
that the day I clicked my faculty of choice
was the day I made the best decision in my life.

Led me to a feast of feelings I've never had;
delight, hurt, affection, excitement, empathy
depression, pride, devastation, desire
and the list goes on...
in the most unexpected ways possible

Had enlightening talks with some of the greatest people I know
had frustrating talks with stubbornly ignorant workmate(s)
had cheerful laughs that made my cheek and stomach hurt

But the best of all is
I learned

What makes it even better
is that I still have 3 years here.

I'm coming.

A friend of mine lost her mother to cancer last night, or at least that's when I read the news.

I haven't contacted her to say condolences and all.
I cancelled my plan to go to her funeral because I didn't know the address and none of my other friends went to it.

Many of you will say that I'm a terrible friend

Yes, I'm thinking about that too
but
how can I say "turut berduka cita" or "I know how you feel" and other formality-for-the-so-called-humanity stuff or whatsoever
when I don't feel it.

I don't want to give empty responses, how can some people be so mean sending the grieving ones those words while they're typing with flat expression or when they don't bother with real words and decided to make a shortcut. I don't even remember the last time I say turut berduka cita to someone I know. Not to another friend who previously told me about the complications that occurred with her mother who later passed away. I am in this dilemma, not wanting to be that, but I'm scared that people will take me as a fucker, rude, mean friend. I have no one that really understands the things that are going in my head. Hell, even I'm not at that point, yet.

I'm not feeling berduka cita since it does not affect my life in any way possible, and I don't know how she's feeling right now because, hell, I have never lost a mother before. The only thing I still feel right now is the urge to hug her and tell her in person that she's going to get through it and make whatever she wants to make despite (or inspite) anything that happens, that she can be in the Communication major like she wants and Head of Media Partner Division for the next project. I don't want to send her a galore of pity glare when I look at her, as someone I know once told me that pity is the biggest yet the subtlest form of arrogance.

and I don't want to send my arrogance to my friend

even though that makes me a terrible friend.