A. K. U.

sedih dah kalo abis ngomong ternyata maksud yang terbentuk di kepala gue ternyata beda sama yang ditangkep sama lawan bicara. ternyata proses encoding gue (atau proses decoding dia) (atau mungkin keduanya) (but most likely it's on me) gak berjalan sempurna. and gives horrible result.

terus akhirnya sampai ke titik udah disumpahin (dalem hati sih pasti) and there's no turning back, no way I can fix what i actually meant without further damage, jadinya yaudah diem aja gitu.




and how are shy people always (okay, often times) taken as arrogant? maybe i seemed to show some hints of arrogance but i never meant it, because you'll know when i'm being real arrogant.

--

update: alles gut, for now.

I slept real late last night, like midnight??? The train was awfully late that I had to wait for more than an hour for it. However, I think I had some emotions mix-up yesterday, so the dream was a bit mixed too.

I remember the beginning vaguely , but things started to get funny toward the ending.
So as you know, I was rejected from an organization in my faculty, and I was in this kind of bedroom with a friend of mine who I can't even remember the name and the face. The room has sort of two connecting doors that connect the room with two other opposite rooms, and the main door was a bit open.

So I was printing a compilation of CV and things like that for preparation to try joining that organization again next year (ambitious, I know), I was compiling the print-outs a bit secretively, afraid if someone might come in (that friend of mine was just lying on the bed) because I'm still in an organization of my department. Suddenly this senior of mine who was in this faculty organization entered the room from the main door but stopped at the doorway when he saw me and things got a bit awkward. And things went like

Me: Ahahahaha kak
Him: Ngapain lo ahahaahaha
Me: Nggak......

Luckily, he just went past me to the other room through the connecting door. I lied on the bed to wait for the printer to be done printing my shit, felt it was quite a while, then I went back to the printer on the desk to organize the papers, but suddenly, another senior, this time from the department organization entered the room through the other connecting door, I quickly hid the papers with my arms on the desk.

Him: Ngapain Dhay?
Me: Hah ngga, gak ngapa-ngapain hehe lagi liat-liat aja
Him: Ooh

And he went back to the room. Then I rushed to hide the papers under the bed. I was still in the process of doing it when I saw my first senior back on the main door. We caught each other's eyes. I was so done, feeling pretty caught up. But he laughed first.

Him: Hahahahahahahaa
Me: *walked to his direction* Aahh hahahaahah kak kenapa sih selalu dateng pas saya lagi gini haaa
Him: *crouching the floor* *laughing*
Me: *joined him* *laughing*

Then I woke up.

Sounds pretty unimportant but please note that the senior from my faculty organization is pretty much admired by many, many people and I don't really know him, we said hi to each other, but we just talked once. That's why this shit is funny like wtf is going in my head y so random. Not gonna forget this for a long time.


Update 9/9/16: I forgot about this.

I don't doubt when people see and read my url for this blog, they will say:

"what the hell?"

Well, I sometimes do, but considering the reason I'm staying with this thing, it's not quite shitty anymore.

The name first appeared on a fanbase mailing list questionnaire, for which the question was "What's your name in Harry Potter world?". My 12-year-old self, who was a huge fan of Emma Watson, could only think of Emma's middle name and her character's last name.

Very creative, no?

I want to preserve the good memory of the good moments in my former years, that I can assure you, there are not so many of them. So I'm staying with this, and write all the things necessary, and making this a virtue of mine.


This is my Pensieve.

I am the awkward kind of person when it comes to any sensitive topic.
So I avoid them.

But I learned that it's inevitable
But talking to people is out of the window, at least for me
So I wrote...
and posted them here

Notice the past tense?
I think I read too many reddit posts where stalkers and creeps came from online sites
So I decided I won't be writing as deep as I used to
Nobody would care, but I do.




p.s. I hope I won't get a message saying "I do" because that will creep the fuck out of me.

I never realized until now
that the day I clicked my faculty of choice
was the day I made the best decision in my life.

Led me to a feast of feelings I've never had;
delight, hurt, affection, excitement, empathy
depression, pride, devastation, desire
and the list goes on...
in the most unexpected ways possible

Had enlightening talks with some of the greatest people I know
had frustrating talks with stubbornly ignorant workmate(s)
had cheerful laughs that made my cheek and stomach hurt

But the best of all is
I learned

What makes it even better
is that I still have 3 years here.

I'm coming.

A friend of mine lost her mother to cancer last night, or at least that's when I read the news.

I haven't contacted her to say condolences and all.
I cancelled my plan to go to her funeral because I didn't know the address and none of my other friends went to it.

Many of you will say that I'm a terrible friend

Yes, I'm thinking about that too
but
how can I say "turut berduka cita" or "I know how you feel" and other formality-for-the-so-called-humanity stuff or whatsoever
when I don't feel it.

I don't want to give empty responses, how can some people be so mean sending the grieving ones those words while they're typing with flat expression or when they don't bother with real words and decided to make a shortcut. I don't even remember the last time I say turut berduka cita to someone I know. Not to another friend who previously told me about the complications that occurred with her mother who later passed away. I am in this dilemma, not wanting to be that, but I'm scared that people will take me as a fucker, rude, mean friend. I have no one that really understands the things that are going in my head. Hell, even I'm not at that point, yet.

I'm not feeling berduka cita since it does not affect my life in any way possible, and I don't know how she's feeling right now because, hell, I have never lost a mother before. The only thing I still feel right now is the urge to hug her and tell her in person that she's going to get through it and make whatever she wants to make despite (or inspite) anything that happens, that she can be in the Communication major like she wants and Head of Media Partner Division for the next project. I don't want to send her a galore of pity glare when I look at her, as someone I know once told me that pity is the biggest yet the subtlest form of arrogance.

and I don't want to send my arrogance to my friend

even though that makes me a terrible friend.

It's kinda sad that I'm not trusted for anything.

Even for the ones I'm willing to spend all my resources on.
This is killing me slowly

            but sure as hell.

1.
"Haii gue (insert name), lo?" *shake hands*
"Adhayuu" *still shakes hands*
"Hah siapa?" *still shakes hands awkwardly*
"Adhayu hehe" *let go*

2.
*insert conversation number 1*
"Lo orang Bali ya?"
"Bukaan hehe" *melipir*

3.
*insert conversation number 1*
"Panggilannya apa? Ayu?"
"Adhayuu" *melipir*

4.
(this is a continuity of all three types of my introductions)
Whoever *tries* to call me "Yu", in the end calls me "Dhay"
There are less than 5 people who call me the former.

It's starting to get me, you know, rejection.

It's getting tiring, I'm getting bored with it.
What do I have to do to be better than me?

the proverb lyric "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is just confusing on so many levels.

Like, hell it's so illogical. It killed me in so many ways, and it still kills me everytime some shit flashes before me. But I guess people react differently to what killed them, some decided to die with it, while others decided they will avenge it.

I myself decided to avenge it by achieving something greater, a friend of mine did too (heck even our circle say that he slayed every people responsible in his rejection). I haven't done that, but I'm afraid that I only achieve plan B to slay them. I don't want to have something based on hatred (no, I'm not saying my friend did it on hatred)

maybe the lyric only makes sense in the "makes you stronger" IF you decided to chin up and go chase something else, doesn't necessarily have to be bigger tho.

and anyway, wish me luck! I hope I'll pass all the selection stages!

Two weeks ago, I learned that shit happens no matter how good I think of myself, I'll never be as good as I am in my head, and to keep expectations low, and it feels unbelievably good to listen to John Mayer after a heartbreak... and it's okay to cry for once in a while. (it still nudges me a bit until now tho)

A little bit after two weeks ago, I learned that Ed Sheeran's "what didn't kill me, it never made me stronger at all" talk was true. I was walking through the five stages of grief, but even until now I think I'll never get past the fifth stage. I also learned about acceptance.

Today I learned that it feels good being fit in, to belong and to be accepted by a group --something I rarely feel--. I also learned that at times, silence is gold.

While I'm typing this post, I learn that the most important things are not taught in class. The class for this kind of thing is way up at the whole new level -- it is the life itself.

Hello.

I love my (practically) 12-credits classmates. They are awesome. We hit it really well last semester with a lousy lecturer, we'll do it even cooler with our lecturers now that are so cool in their own way.

Meet my 1st English lecturer, let's call him Mr. Punk (God I feel horrible having to censor his name in such manner). He is from FE and he is so chill, so delicate, so patient, he never directly tells students when they are wrong, he'll ask for their opinion on their answer, then discusses it with the class and decides the correct answer. He teaches things step by step and I think that is really helping for the slower kids. I think he is in his mid 40s or early 50s.

...and then we have Mr Punk's partner, let's call him Mr. Ronald. He is also from FE and even more chill than Mr Punk already is. He is younger, probably in late 30s, and that's why he is more gaul to us the kids. He freaking told and encouraged his daughter to go to Taylor Swift's concert eventhough she was not a fan! He even bought the ticket for her cousin too. Oh God, the things I'd do to be her cousin. He watches serials too, like Scandal and Sherlock and other things.

Last, we have my 6 credits lecturer. I'd rather not mentioning his name here. In other faculties, he teaches English, but in mine, he doesn't. He earned my respect for him when he entered the class for the first time and talked about his experiences and his objectives. Some of my friends don't like him, but he still has my respect. I hope it won't change throughout this long semester. He is pretty gaul too, my friend told me that her friend who is being taught in English by him had a listening session by listening to Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" and had to write the lyrics! (Heck what's the thing between lecturers and Taylor huh)

Anyway for any of you (I bet none) who is wondering why I don't do titles, this is why: I don't. My post is way too random to fathom into one nice tagline.

Had a laugh this morning in the class.

We had a deal with the lecturers that whoever come later than 20 mins will be considered absent, including the lecturers.

Today, we'd passed the 20 mins agreement and no lecturer came in, and a classmate who had previously waited outside came in with glory expression stamped on his face, let's just call him R.

He first put his bag on the lecturer's desk and acted like a lecturer that just came in, resulting in my first laugh. Then he walked to the available seats and put his bag down. The head of class (call him Z) made this conversation

Z: eh udah ada orang itu
R: bodo amaat
Z: *whispering* senior itu bego...
R: *looked around* *moved his bag*

Laughters erupted from the whole class.

Freaking hell I edited a bit of my long ago post and Blogspot updated it as a new post gaaaaaaahhhhh it ruins my eyes!! I'm quite embarrassed with that post and Blogspot encouragingly telling me not to be.

Yeah, just a warning guys

Bukan. Hari ini dan tanggal ini gue tidak merayakan apa yang orang sebut dengan HFA atau Happy Failed-Anniversary. Sebenernya gue juga gak tau siapa tuh yang bikin itu istilah. Mungkin orang yang menciptakan istilah itu (kita singkat saja dengan OYMII) saat itu sedang galau klimaks dan akhirnya entah dapet wangsit dari mana bikin istilah begituan. Karena dari kata 'Anniversary' aja udah salah. Tiap bulan di tanggal tertentu, timeline gue sedikit banyak diisi sama orang2 yang ngucapin "Happy Anniversary ya!" ke temennya. Yup, b-u-l-a-n. Anniversary= perayaan tahunan. Kalo mau ngucapin perayaan bulanan, it should 'be Mensiversary' kalo kata @FaktanyaAdalah.

As you know, there are 5 stages in grief.
Right now I am in the fuck this shit phase so I don't really know where to categorize myself.
So just let met tell you a story now


I, with my mother, just went to a clinic not far from my home to accompany my sister who wanted to get rid of her molar. That was my first time went to the clinic and I was quite surprised, the clinic operated 24/7, it wasn't so big but the rooms were air-conditioned, the waiting space was nice, and adding extra element to my surprise was the fact that it served to the people who had BPJS (health insurance from govt). My first assumption was whoever built and managed this clinic must be one hell of a rich man (this hasn't been confirmed nor denied 'til now).

It was a bit crowded when I got there, probably the timing. My sister went to the dental room, and I fell in love with the ambience. The walls were painted in soft pink, and the hotseat (ok sorry HAHA you know the seat that has the lamp and the faucet and the cup and the table) had dark pink on the head rest and so was the back rest of the dentist chair. The doctor was quite young, but not so young, probably still mid-20 --and here is the nice part-- she fucking wore a pair of fucking Wrangler jeans! Now that's the kind of doctor I can rely my taste on. Probably she had enough with all the celana bahan she had to wear during the college days. She was nice to my sister too, not the evil kind of doctor. Me gusta.

With all the quick and satisfying service, all my mom had to pay was IDR 70.000, even the general medication (not with specified doctors) would cost even less, around IDR 40.000. I regained hope in humanity seeing the clinic, people even would prefer to go there than to govt's Puskesmas.

--
Anw I still want to cry myself to sleep again everytime I remember how everything crumbled down so effortlessly. How do I convince myself things are gonna be okay?
I had planned everything to details for the next many years and with this happened, my plan was ruined too. This is not okay.

How do you properly hate someone who is naturally charmingly intimidating that without doing anything, makes your brain neurons unable to form proper words?


I sometimes hate me.
I may just get used to rejections.
But I'll never get used to what I feel afterward.

--

Do you know the feeling when you just want to let all the feelings out and cry without a care in the world?
This is the very moment when I feel the very exact thing.
But I have no one to sit beside me while I am busy sniffing on the tissues.
I guess I should just manifest this into something more, um, immortal.
So I write.

I just don't know what to feel every time I go the canteen and look up at the room of my shattered dream and not being able to go in there without feeling awkward and left out.
God, I sound so exaggerating, don't I?

I know. I am sorry.

--

He asked me if I'd ever gone through the lowest phase in my life.
I realized my answer was nothing compared to this.
I can say this is the lowest point I've ever reached in my whole life.