Remember when I said I loved my motherly cute lecturer?
I do. The love is legit.
Can I have her as my mother-in-law?
#nope
Archive for September 2016
What, a friend?
It's been a while now
my seniors are finally going to the real life
my cousin has given birth to yet another son
and I'm still a dipshit at giving titles for my own posts.
ANYWAY
I want to talk about this... thing I have never really talked about with anyone.
There is a lecturer of mine, whom I have known since my first semester
She has always been this lovely, motherly, smart teacher for us, that even the loudest kids in class pay attention (or at least try to do so) to her whenever she's in class, so it's only natural for me, the noise-hating kid to listen to her in class.
She made a talk during this morning lecture reminiscing on her campus days where she and her best friend (who is now the youngest professor in our department, and they're still very much best friends), who are stamped as the biggest nerds in class, would walk down the campus hallway discussing whatever was discussed in the previous class, talking about people using sociology theories on their way to the mosque, predicting what their friends would do in relationship issues to the train station, and I bet whatever else on their way to airport for their next conference so many years later. She also talked about she ignored the curiosity-killed-the-cat stuff, she was just so curious about anything that until now she googled the things her kids asked her but unable to answer to.
I realized she was so brave for being herself, in the midst of people who just couldn't care less about everything but chilling. She was so brave.
She also had a friend who she could always rely on, could always share any-every-thing with, and most importantly who had the same mind like her.
I nearly teared up during class, because it had just dawned on me that I saw so much of me in her
Not as smart
Not as nice
Not as brave
But as curious, maybe.
Can I talk some things about me now?
I knew I've always liked Biology, it has always been an easy feat for me to remember the differences between mutualism and commensalism or how the photosynthesis mechanism works. I loved it, even when the smartest and fastest-speaking high school teacher went on full blown I could still catch up with him, I don't know why, but the gears in my head just works when it comes to it. It still does.
Then the deciding moment for all seniors came: choose the major and the university you want (or need) for your future. I, who had been researching public health studies since almost a year before was busy minding my pathetic Math scores while everyone was panicking because they didn't know what they really liked or wanted to do for life.
Fast forward, I was texting my teacher to cancel my enrollment process because I needed to change my major selection. I chose the department where I end up now, and yes, I left the public health studies I had longed for.
I liked Biology, so of course I wanted to be a doctor, but money issue came up every time I talked about it, so of course I had to make a switch to the public health studies, and later on to this field where money grows on trees. On the other side, I have a friend of mine, a very good one, who liked Biology as much as I did and she definitely would be doctor (spoiler: she is studying Medicine now). Don't take me wrong, but this is not gonna turn to be me who envied her and all the craps you read on Wattpad. I LOVED talking to her about it and the stupid little details in whatever section we had just learned. I felt like I had a friend with whom we could understand each other. I was proud to be thought as a nerd because I had someone who was equally nerdy and we'd rule the world together.
Now I'm seen as one of the smarter ones in class, but I'm uncomfortable with it, because they'd occasionally mock, joke about, and talk behind me. I think my classmates are the asshole-y ones because the folks from the other department are so fucking nice. They'd bully our feminine guy friend, our friend who had a foreigner boyfriend (this one, not so visible), and basically those who were different from them. I couldn't care less about their words, they don't pay my tuition after all, but it reminds me of one thing:
I had a friend.
Well, she is still alive, we are still the best of friends, but we don't go to the same uni. Hell, we even live in different cities and belong in different fields. We still see each other twice a year tops, but what made me do this post is that I don't feel I have a friend here like I had with her. I think I'm okay with not having friends, but not having anyone who share the same craziness and passion with you feels... sad? I don't know, sad sounds too strong, but my limited vocabulary limits my perfectionism. Every time I talk about any pathology/anatomy-esque things I know, they will just shrug it off or try to listen but to no avail. I don't blame them, of course, it's definitely on me. I'll just hang onto it and wait for the moment where this knowledge of mine will bring me good in this field.
I'm actually still wondering why would I nearly cry this morning, but now that I think of it, it's (most possibly) because I knew she'd understand me, that I saw so much of a mother too in her that I wanted to crawl to her lap and cry out all this nonsense madness
and I miss having a friend.
