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Remember when I said I loved my motherly cute lecturer?

I do. The love is legit.

Can I have her as my mother-in-law?


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Been reading my posts, and to say the least....

I'm kinda proud of myself. Hahah

and very embarrassed too.

Guess there's always two sides of a coin.

What, a friend?

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It's been a while now
my seniors are finally going to the real life
my cousin has given birth to yet another son
and I'm still a dipshit at giving titles for my own posts.


I want to talk about this... thing I have never really talked about with anyone.

There is a lecturer of mine, whom I have known since my first semester
She has always been this lovely, motherly, smart teacher for us, that even the loudest kids in class pay attention (or at least try to do so) to her whenever she's in class, so it's only natural for me, the noise-hating kid to listen to her in class.
She made a talk during this morning lecture reminiscing on her campus days where she and her best friend (who is now the youngest professor in our department, and they're still very much best friends), who are stamped as the biggest nerds in class, would walk down the campus hallway discussing whatever was discussed in the previous class, talking about people using sociology theories on their way to the mosque, predicting what their friends would do in relationship issues to the train station, and I bet whatever else on their way to airport for their next conference so many years later. She also talked about she ignored the curiosity-killed-the-cat stuff, she was just so curious about anything that until now she googled the things her kids asked her but unable to answer to.
I realized she was so brave for being herself, in the midst of people who just couldn't care less about everything but chilling. She was so brave.
She also had a friend who she could always rely on, could always share any-every-thing with, and most importantly who had the same mind like her.

I nearly teared up during class, because it had just dawned on me that I saw so much of me in her
Not as smart
Not as nice
Not as brave
But as curious, maybe.

Can I talk some things about me now?

I knew I've always liked Biology, it has always been an easy feat for me to remember the differences between mutualism and commensalism or how the photosynthesis mechanism works. I loved it, even when the smartest and fastest-speaking high school teacher went on full blown I could still catch up with him, I don't know why, but the gears in my head just works when it comes to it. It still does.

Then the deciding moment for all seniors came: choose the major and the university you want (or need) for your future. I, who had been researching public health studies since almost a year before was busy minding my pathetic Math scores while everyone was panicking because they didn't know what they really liked or wanted to do for life.

Fast forward, I was texting my teacher to cancel my enrollment process because I needed to change my major selection. I chose the department where I end up now, and yes, I left the public health studies I had longed for.

I liked Biology, so of course I wanted to be a doctor, but money issue came up every time I talked about it, so of course I had to make a switch to the public health studies, and later on to this field where money grows on trees. On the other side, I have a friend of mine, a very good one, who liked Biology as much as I did and she definitely would be doctor (spoiler: she is studying Medicine now). Don't take me wrong, but this is not gonna turn to be me who envied her and all the craps you read on Wattpad. I LOVED talking to her about it and the stupid little details in whatever section we had just learned. I felt like I had a friend with whom we could understand each other. I was proud to be thought as a nerd because I had someone who was equally nerdy and we'd rule the world together.

Now I'm seen as one of the smarter ones in class, but I'm uncomfortable with it, because they'd occasionally mock, joke about, and talk behind me. I think my classmates are the asshole-y ones because the folks from the other department are so fucking nice. They'd bully our feminine guy friend, our friend who had a foreigner boyfriend (this one, not so visible), and basically those who were different from them. I couldn't care less about their words, they don't pay my tuition after all, but it reminds me of one thing:

I had a friend.

Well, she is still alive, we are still the best of friends, but we don't go to the same uni. Hell, we even live in different cities and belong in different fields. We still see each other twice a year tops, but what made me do this post is that I don't feel I have a friend here like I had with her. I think I'm okay with not having friends, but not having anyone who share the same craziness and passion with you feels... sad? I don't know, sad sounds too strong, but my limited vocabulary limits my perfectionism. Every time I talk about any pathology/anatomy-esque things I know, they will just shrug it off or try to listen but to no avail. I don't blame them, of course, it's definitely on me. I'll just hang onto it and wait for the moment where this knowledge of mine will bring me good in this field.

I'm actually still wondering why would I nearly cry this morning, but now that I think of it, it's (most possibly) because I knew she'd understand me, that I saw so much of a mother too in her that I wanted to crawl to her lap and cry out all this nonsense madness

and I miss having a friend.

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sedih dah kalo abis ngomong ternyata maksud yang terbentuk di kepala gue ternyata beda sama yang ditangkep sama lawan bicara. ternyata proses encoding gue (atau proses decoding dia) (atau mungkin keduanya) (but most likely it's on me) gak berjalan sempurna. and gives horrible result.

terus akhirnya sampai ke titik udah disumpahin (dalem hati sih pasti) and there's no turning back, no way I can fix what i actually meant without further damage, jadinya yaudah diem aja gitu.

and how are shy people always (okay, often times) taken as arrogant? maybe i seemed to show some hints of arrogance but i never meant it, because you'll know when i'm being real arrogant.


update: alles gut, for now.

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I slept real late last night, like midnight??? The train was awfully late that I had to wait for more than an hour for it. However, I think I had some emotions mix-up yesterday, so the dream was a bit mixed too.

I remember the beginning vaguely , but things started to get funny toward the ending.
So as you know, I was rejected from an organization in my faculty, and I was in this kind of bedroom with a friend of mine who I can't even remember the name and the face. The room has sort of two connecting doors that connect the room with two other opposite rooms, and the main door was a bit open.

So I was printing a compilation of CV and things like that for preparation to try joining that organization again next year (ambitious, I know), I was compiling the print-outs a bit secretively, afraid if someone might come in (that friend of mine was just lying on the bed) because I'm still in an organization of my department. Suddenly this senior of mine who was in this faculty organization entered the room from the main door but stopped at the doorway when he saw me and things got a bit awkward. And things went like

Me: Ahahahaha kak
Him: Ngapain lo ahahaahaha
Me: Nggak......

Luckily, he just went past me to the other room through the connecting door. I lied on the bed to wait for the printer to be done printing my shit, felt it was quite a while, then I went back to the printer on the desk to organize the papers, but suddenly, another senior, this time from the department organization entered the room through the other connecting door, I quickly hid the papers with my arms on the desk.

Him: Ngapain Dhay?
Me: Hah ngga, gak ngapa-ngapain hehe lagi liat-liat aja
Him: Ooh

And he went back to the room. Then I rushed to hide the papers under the bed. I was still in the process of doing it when I saw my first senior back on the main door. We caught each other's eyes. I was so done, feeling pretty caught up. But he laughed first.

Him: Hahahahahahahaa
Me: *walked to his direction* Aahh hahahaahah kak kenapa sih selalu dateng pas saya lagi gini haaa
Him: *crouching the floor* *laughing*
Me: *joined him* *laughing*

Then I woke up.

Sounds pretty unimportant but please note that the senior from my faculty organization is pretty much admired by many, many people and I don't really know him, we said hi to each other, but we just talked once. That's why this shit is funny like wtf is going in my head y so random. Not gonna forget this for a long time.

Update 9/9/16: I forgot about this.

A Glimpse on My URL

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I don't doubt when people see and read my url for this blog, they will say:

"what the hell?"

Well, I sometimes do, but considering the reason I'm staying with this thing, it's not quite shitty anymore.

The name first appeared on a fanbase mailing list questionnaire, for which the question was "What's your name in Harry Potter world?". My 12-year-old self, who was a huge fan of Emma Watson, could only think of Emma's middle name and her character's last name.

Very creative, no?

I want to preserve the good memory of the good moments in my former years, that I can assure you, there are not so many of them. So I'm staying with this, and write all the things necessary, and making this a virtue of mine.

This is my Pensieve.

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I am the awkward kind of person when it comes to any sensitive topic.
So I avoid them.

But I learned that it's inevitable
But talking to people is out of the window, at least for me
So I wrote...
and posted them here

Notice the past tense?
I think I read too many reddit posts where stalkers and creeps came from online sites
So I decided I won't be writing as deep as I used to
Nobody would care, but I do.

p.s. I hope I won't get a message saying "I do" because that will creep the fuck out of me.

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I never realized until now
that the day I clicked my faculty of choice
was the day I made the best decision in my life.

Led me to a feast of feelings I've never had;
delight, hurt, affection, excitement, empathy
depression, pride, devastation, desire
and the list goes on...
in the most unexpected ways possible

Had enlightening talks with some of the greatest people I know
had frustrating talks with stubbornly ignorant workmate(s)
had cheerful laughs that made my cheek and stomach hurt

But the best of all is
I learned

What makes it even better
is that I still have 3 years here.

I'm coming.


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A friend of mine lost her mother to cancer last night, or at least that's when I read the news.

I haven't contacted her to say condolences and all.
I cancelled my plan to go to her funeral because I didn't know the address and none of my other friends went to it.

Many of you will say that I'm a terrible friend

Yes, I'm thinking about that too
how can I say "turut berduka cita" or "I know how you feel" and other formality-for-the-so-called-humanity stuff or whatsoever
when I don't feel it.

I don't want to give empty responses, how can some people be so mean sending the grieving ones those words while they're typing with flat expression or when they don't bother with real words and decided to make a shortcut. I don't even remember the last time I say turut berduka cita to someone I know. Not to another friend who previously told me about the complications that occurred with her mother who later passed away. I am in this dilemma, not wanting to be that, but I'm scared that people will take me as a fucker, rude, mean friend. I have no one that really understands the things that are going in my head. Hell, even I'm not at that point, yet.

I'm not feeling berduka cita since it does not affect my life in any way possible, and I don't know how she's feeling right now because, hell, I have never lost a mother before. The only thing I still feel right now is the urge to hug her and tell her in person that she's going to get through it and make whatever she wants to make despite (or inspite) anything that happens, that she can be in the Communication major like she wants and Head of Media Partner Division for the next project. I don't want to send her a galore of pity glare when I look at her, as someone I know once told me that pity is the biggest yet the subtlest form of arrogance.

and I don't want to send my arrogance to my friend

even though that makes me a terrible friend.

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It's kinda sad that I'm not trusted for anything.

Even for the ones I'm willing to spend all my resources on.
This is killing me slowly

            but sure as hell.